Dreams

Invincible.
Thinner than ever, hair halfway down my back & fixed every day, with a year-round tan.
Dating a hunk of a man, roaming our college campus, playing sports and traveling together. Eating out whenever we pleased, buying extravagant gifts for each other & dreaming of the someday.
Dating looked good on me.

Over the moon.
The ring shone like nothing I’d ever worn before. Princess cut, just like I asked for. He knew me so well. He even asked my Dad for his blessing- and got it. Starry eyed.
We planned our house, picked and registered for just the right colors and went to marriage counseling which we just knew we were too prepared to learn anything from. 🙂
We couldn’t wait for that ONE day.
Engagement looked good on us.

Breathless.
Nothing prepares you for that first morning of waking up next to the man of your dreams. It was literally the stuff of dreams… We booked our own hotel room, came and went when we chose, and asked no one’s opinion but our own.
We were finally living that day.
Marriage felt right to us.

Then we came home from our honeymoon to an oil-heated house…without oil.

I cried. This wasn’t the “life.” The life that I signed up for was the honeymoon mountain cabin…the warm one with a crackling turned-on-by-a-button fireplace, 2 huge flatscreen TV’s, and sparkling grape juice on mountain-view balconies.

Our dish soap had congealed, the toilet seat would’ve made a polar bear squirm, and there may have been an occasion where milk (forgotten atop the counter overnight) didn’t go bad…or even get warm.

These days, the house is warm, and the dish soap remains liquid, but I don’t feel quite so glamorous. Our goings and comings aren’t quite as carefree as they once were, and my stylishness has all but disappeared – replaced by some pounds I can’t seem to lose, a stained t-shirt from trying to wrangle a PBJ schmeared toddler, hair pulled back for lack of time that morning to fix it, and jeans that could have been washed that week.

I begin to think, “This life…it doesn’t look good on me, or feel good to me.”

Then my toddler looks at me and says “Debu lub you Nana!” Or my husband, who is every bit the hunk he once was, wraps his arms around me and tells me thank you for fixing him dinner.

It’s not elegant, and it may not be the tune I once dreamed of dancing to, but I am thankful for it. Thankful that God has blessed me with this life… Thankful that,

7 1/2 years after meeting my man, I am still so in love with him.

5 years of marriage haven’t changed my mind.

2 1/2 years with our son, and my heart still swells with love every time I think of how blessed I am to have those little PBJ hands dirtying my shirts…

So if I… no scratch that, I’m human after all… When I act like I’m not thankful for it, remind me that I am.

Ok?

Psalm 118:28
  You are my God, and I will give you thanks; you are my God, and I will exalt you.

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6 comments on “Dreams

  1. So good, Heidi! I was wrestling some similar thoughts this morning! It may not be the glamorous life, but it is our life together and that makes it beautiful! Thanks for sharing and being open with your thoughts!

    • Heidi says:

      Oh Adrianne- I feel almost unworthy to write words like this & have you read them… your reality is so much more difficult than mine! But I am still trying to be open & remind myself how beautiful my life is if I stop to really look at it…

      • Our situation is definitely unusual and unexpected, but each of us faces struggles and difficulties in the moment where we are. Although ours seem extreme, it is interesting how some of the struggles I am dealing with are the same ones others are going through, as well. Your post today was comforting, as it reminds me I am not alone in the emotions and thoughts I grapple with. Much love to you and your family.

  2. I enjoy reading your thoughts … both of you; they inspire me. As a single adult, when I lost my parents (2001, 2012) I felt a certain level of a abandonment … even at my age :). These past 8 months (almost) have been a struggle. The loneliness has been deafening at times. Grief is difficult and I never want to “charge God foolishly” or be self-pitying, I keep reminding myself Jesus is here and nothing is wasted in hands of our Redeemer. (2Corithians 1:3-4)

    • Heidi says:

      Thanks Dr. Chatmon! I appreciate your encouragement… We all face such different struggles, and yet it’s a blessing that the Lord allows them somehow to overlap in our hearts so that we can be an encouragement to each other!

  3. Merri Holmes says:

    Guess what they sang at church today? “O rejoice in the Lord, He makes no mistakes, He knoweth the end of the paths that I take….for when I am tried and purified, I shall come forth as gold!” I enjoyed reading your thoughts and as your Mom, I hated to think that you were cold in that house…but I knew you guys were surely building some character through it! 🙂 Love you all three and so glad you are warm now!!!

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